How Big is Yours? Series (Love Life)

Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Thank you for listening to the Spiritual Grind. Specifically, we are now starting the part of how Big Is Yours? Speaker 1: How Big is yours? I messed that one up. Keep going, just keep going, just keep going. Roll with it. Speaker 2: Roll with it, roll with it. So this is the continuation of the how big is yours? On relationships and specifically the subject of love life. Speaker 1: Love life. Speaker 2: We hope you enjoy it. Have an awesome day. Speaker 1: Love ya. Speaker 2: Love ya. And now we're on to the next topic in this bucket for relationships, and that is you ready? Yeah, love life, love life. You know that guy that he is so handsome, but I am chunky. Speaker 1: My hair is too short. Speaker 2: You know I used to football officiate and all of my football official buddies we'd get together. Speaker 1: I'm weird. Speaker 2: Every Friday night after the football games or Saturday night we would all go to the bar and have a beer and hang out together. And there was this one bar that we'd go to and I remember where it was. It was in Frisco, texas, and a real good friend of mine. There was this girl that ran the bar and she was smoking hot. I mean, she was gorgeous. Speaker 1: Was she hot when she smoked or was she smoking hot? She was smoking hot. I mean, she was gorgeous. Was she hot when she smoked? Speaker 2: or was she smoking hot? She was smoking hot. She was a good-looking gal man and I remember my friend would look across the table. He's like man, that girl is hot , but she'd never date me. And so we go on, and we go on and finally one day I was waiting on them. I got there early, I was waiting for them to show up and I was sitting at the bar and I was trying to. I can't remember her name, but I asked her. I said so are you like married? What? What is it? And she said no, I'm not married. I can't not even have a boyfriend. I said cause my buddy that comes with me all the time is this, thinks you're smoking hot. And she said yeah, I hear that a lot, but nobody ever asked me out. Speaker 1: Ooh, good story. Speaker 2: I said so you wouldn't take me asking you out for him. And she said absolutely not. Speaker 1: No. Speaker 2: And so this is a good way to really stop and think about it is when you think you don't deserve what you see that you want in a relationship. You will not get it. Speaker 1: Not only that, but you may be keeping that person from being able to experience the very thing they want and desire. Correct. Speaker 2: And so you know the. So it works both ways. The cool part about it was is I told him that story. He didn't believe me and she and she came over and stood at the table and she was in there talking to him and she said tell me he asked her out. He did, he did, but it wasn't for like the next two or three weeks oh my god. And she came over and she said every like everybody, all the guys think this girl is like smoking hot, yeah, everybody. She just had that. Look, she had the body and she literally said at the table and she said I never date because nobody ever asked me out, because they're scared and if I go on a date I normally have to ask them myself. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: And she said my sister and I her twin sister, by the way and I decided together that we're going to quit doing that and the one guy that asked me, the next guy that asked me out, I'm going to go out with. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: And still he waited two more weeks. I don't understand what he did, but it was. It was just a great eye opener for me on how you, if you think you can't have every aspect of a person in a relationship that you want, you're holding yourself back. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: And you're like you said you're not allowing that person to experience the experiences behind it. Speaker 1: Right yeah. Speaker 2: And I thought it was a pretty. Speaker 1: Very good example. Very good example yeah. Speaker 2: And so in relationships, let's talk about this If you think you deserve better, or you think you don't deserve what you have, you're going to get exactly what you think, yeah. And if you don't deserve to be treated like a queen or treated like a king, then you're not going to be treated like a queen or a king, right? And so, just when we're looking at ourselves, this all falls back into that self-worth containment device. Speaker 1: Yeah, how big is your ? Speaker 2: How big is that container? This is what Jenny said from the beginning. Dr Jenny's talking about how that one container controls so many aspects. Yeah, it falls on financial, it falls in the relationships, it falls into all of those and you have to pick up that container and dump it out of the negativity, take those negative thoughts and turn them into positives. Yeah, fill that cup up with positive energy If my buddy just would have said to himself oh, that girl's hot, I'm going to go ask her out. And get up and walked over and asked her out. It would have changed his life. Speaker 1: Sooner than it did. Speaker 2: Sooner than it did. Yeah, when I left Texas, they were still together. Yeah, when I left Texas, they were still together. Yeah, matter of fact, I think they were engaged. Speaker 1: Oh, very nice. Speaker 2: And don't get me wrong, he wasn't the best looking guy in the world. Speaker 1: Well, I mean, sometimes looks are not the only thing people look for. Speaker 2: Right, she said. That night she said I do not care about looks. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: She said to me looks are a curse, oh, looks are a curse, oh yeah, see, you see how she would say she had the loan. She said everybody always said you're so beautiful, I wish I had your eyes, I wish I had your hair, I wish I had your body. And she'd always say, no, you don't, because it's a lonely world. We could call that the medusa syndrome. I know right, it's kind of crazy yeah it was that moment in time , I think in relationships. It kind of changed my thought process Because if you think you deserve, you're going to get that crappy. If you think you deserve a crappy relationship, you will get it. Speaker 1: Yeah, or that you're not up to that person's standards, or you let your monkey mind say oh, they're better than me. I'll never be. I'm not popular enough. I'm not good looking enough, I'm not smart enough. Whatever the I'm not enough of is, then it's going to keep you from going after it and trying it. And guess what? No, has never killed anybody. Speaker 2: That's right. What's it going to do? Speaker 1: I mean you go, you try it and and you get a no it's going to hurt your feelings, I mean you just won't. Speaker 2: You'll never know if you don't know our energy is what reflects back to us and how we go into it. If we actually referred to this on a previous podcast, when we were doing that counseling that couple and he kept saying I don't understand, when we argue, she just gets madder and madder at me and I get madder and madder at her, and so it's the same thing. You're reflecting that you're putting the energy out, you're going to get it back, and sometimes a lot more than you put it out yeah, and that's a good topic as well. Speaker 1: As far as relationships go. If, if you're a hot mess and you haven't cleaned up your act, then you go out and you try to find a new person, you're going to find a hot mess. Deal with your baggage. I always say this when you come out of a relationship If it's come to an end, make sure you come out of it educated and not broken Right. Don't stay in that broken state . Yeah, it's going to hurt, yeah, it doesn't feel good, but make sure you clean up your house first before you go looking for the next one, because you want to make sure that you're grounded, aligned. You've dealt with the luggage and all the best you can Leave all the crap behind. Yeah. Speaker 2: Leave all the crap behind. Speaker 1: That's right. Speaker 2: It's not fair to carry it on to the next one. Speaker 1: No, it's not. Speaker 2: And it's not fair to yourself, it's not fair to that next person, yeah. It's not fair to change your thoughts or patterns or behaviors? Yeah, and deflect them, them onto the next person. Speaker 1: You can do like I did . Speaker 2: Draw a board. Speaker 1: You can go into it with the whole grocery list of. Okay, listen, dude, here's where I'm at. Yeah, we did this, I have this and this and this wrong, and this and this and this. Here's my, and I rolled out the whole Santa's list of crap of why you should not do what you're about to do, that you're wanting to do. This is why you should not do what you're about to do, that you're wanting to do this is why you should not date me, and it's a whole list. This is wrong with me. Speaker 2: This, this, this and I get it all out on the table. She's telling the truth. We actually, when we first started dating, we were probably what? Three weeks into dating, maybe four, I don't remember we were about to go on a trip together and we're getting this kind of energetic, emotional. Speaker 1: I was. Speaker 2: Spat place and we just both went to empty in our closets, spewing everything possibly negative to each other that we could. Speaker 1: I think I did it even earlier than that, though. Speaker 2: I think you micro did it once or twice. Speaker 1: It didn't feel micro to me at all. It felt like I was giving birth to a big-ass baby. I was like, all right, I'm going to just give it to him like it is. Speaker 2: It was funny because we kept one-amping each other. She'd say, oh yeah, well, I did this. And I'd be like, oh yeah, well, I did this, right. And so we just went through this whole closet full of negative stuff. Speaker 1: See if I can find a deal breaker in here somewhere. Speaker 2: Yeah. And then at the end of it we both looked at each other like, okay, do you accept it? I was like yep, and she said, do you accept it? I said yeah, and here we are still together to this day. Yeah, many, many years later. Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. Speaker 2: It's been quite a ride. And it's a great ride, because here is the part of that is we both came out of relationships that most people would view as very not good, challenging. Speaker 1: Challenging yeah. Speaker 2: And you know, we both did things in those relationships that we don't like and we reflected our emotions and our beliefs on our partners at the time and then they reflected it back to us, doing things to us as well, and it just was not a very good vibrational relationship Served its purpose. It did it did. It was a learning, it was a stepping stone. Speaker 1: Purpose served, time to move on. Speaker 2: Yep, I agree, and so the part I took away from it is you don't realize how good it can be until you actually do the steps that we're talking to, Because I didn't think real relationships existed until I met Dr Jenny Dun dun dun, Because I can tell her anything. It's everything that you could possibly want in a relationship and I hope I want everybody to have that and really, if you get rid of your baggage and believe that you can have what you want in life, those people will come to you. Speaker 1: They will. Speaker 2: Or, like me, I unpack their bags and shove them in my closet. That's what I did to her. But anyway, that's a story later. Speaker 1: So let's give them some pointers so what if? They're in a relationship and they've been in that relationship for several years and it's a really bumpy one. Is there something that they are there, things they can do in that relationship to try and turn it around? Speaker 2: Yes. Speaker 1: Or improve it. Speaker 2: Yes. Speaker 1: And then, in addition to that, those people that are out there who maybe have a partner that is not necessarily a woo-hoo-er A woo-hoo Are there things that we can give them that might help them navigate? They don't feel like it's time to move on and not be in the relationship, but there may be a spiritual person and the other one is not quite on board with that. How do they navigate their life ? Speaker 2: How do they navigate that? I think the very first step that when you're in a relationship that you don't view as the best relationship, is to first clarify in yourself what part of it you own yeah and then clarifying yourself for what part of it you're getting reflected back. That's first step. You have to have ownership first. Speaker 1: Yeah. What part are you playing in it ? What? Speaker 2: part. Are you right? What? What is? What actor that's in that play Am I? Speaker 1: and not just from a am I am I arguing? Speaker 2: am I? Speaker 1: arguing with him? Am I arguing with him? Am I poking the bear? What energy are you putting? Out, that's correct From old baggage that you're carrying, from waiting for the shoe to drop. You like that adage? Yeah, you know, based on a previous relationship, am I dragging luggage in from experiences from the past and I'm not giving that person a fair shot? Speaker 2: You're not giving a fair shot. Look at all of those things about yourself first Clarify. Clarify that topic. Speaker 1: Right. Get clear about what character are you playing in it? What ownership do you have in it? Speaker 2: Right. Speaker 1: And that will help stop any deflection pointing fingers. Stop any deflection pointing fingers. And when you come out of that energy over time then it will start to dissipate the defensive , argumentative type energy. You'll notice it little by little In your partner. It will start to fade and get easier. And not only that, then it'll take the ability for that person to push your trigger buttons. Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I was going to say, because when you quit pushing their triggers, they'll quit pushing yours. Speaker 1: Right, or you will find in your clarification, things will pop up and explain to you why that was a trigger Right, and then you can rewrite that. Or you can dissolve it completely and then it's not a trigger anymore and it's just a okay. So what? Speaker 2: I agree, I totally agree. Speaker 1: Take the meaning away from it. Speaker 2: You've got to unpack those bags. You've got to clarify what it is that you have a part of within it and then start rewriting the script. And how do you rewrite the script. I can tell you how. One and then start rewriting the script. And how do you rewrite the script. I can tell you how. One step that I know I did is my script. I started writing for me. Yeah, I didn't write it based upon anybody else's responses or what they expected me or how I should act. Because we get taught, oh, at a young age, you're not a successful man unless you're married, you have kids, you have a career for 40 years. You know, you get not a successful man unless you're married, you have kids, you have a career for 40 years. You get taught all this stuff, yeah, and I removed all those parameters and I wrote it to what I wanted. Speaker 1: Right. What would the perfect life look like if you took away all of the? Speaker 2: Ambitions societal top beliefs. Speaker 1: All the junk. Yes, and you could have it any way you wanted it. And then I wrote my own script. Yes, and you could have it any way you wanted it. Write that story. Yes, I wrote my own script. Yeah, write that story. Speaker 2: And then I started clearing the negativity out of it because I didn't want to bring anything in that was carried over, negative energy that wasn't mine. And when you empty your baggage out, make sure you release that energy and then rewrite your script. You know step one and then communicate. There's so much, so strong. Jenny and I have a great relationship because we communicate daily about our personal feelings, about our beliefs, about how the day went, whatever that is. Open that line to communication and you, you have now rewrote the script. You cleared the energy, rewrote the script. You cleared the energy, rewrote the script and you communicate. Then the last part of it is boundaries. Speaker 1: That's right. Yeah, you've got to set those boundaries, set those healthy boundaries. And at first, if you've not been setting boundaries, you can't. It might be, uncomfortable. So start with small boundaries and do it not in an argumentative way, and certainly don't put a boundary in place if you're already in a heated moment. Speaker 2: Yes, you can't do it in a moment. Speaker 1: If you're still feeling the vibration of a heated moment, I guess let me break it down. Listen, if you've just come off of a big weekend, knockdown, drag out, fight. Speaker 2: Bender oh my bad. We're talking about relationships, not drinking. Speaker 1: Sometimes the hangover can feel the same way. Speaker 2: Well, sometimes we drink and we get in those fights . I mean not you and I, I'm talking about people we have before though. Oh yeah, back in the day we did , back in the day when we drank. Speaker 1: Woo-wee, we became. Speaker 2: Get you fired up, man Easy. Speaker 1: We both became invincible. Speaker 2: Ten foot tall and bulletproof. Speaker 1: And I swear to you, I could whip his butt just the same as he could whip my butt. And I was like that little chihuahua that yaps and barks at your ankle. I thought I could whip his butt . Anyway, don't put in boundaries . If it's a new concept right in the middle of a fight or if you're coming off of an argument . That is not the best time to turn your world upside down and put shit in place. Speaker 2: At least a clear 24 hours of energy, yeah, of just really letting that energy dissipate, that angry. Speaker 1: I'm mad at you energy . Speaker 2: And communicate first about it. Speaker 1: You can't set a boundary unless they understand, because a boundary is a projected expectation and it can feel like an ultimatum if you do it in the heat of the moment, that's correct, and so when you're new to setting boundaries with this person and you haven't before you really want to approach that in a very gentle way. Speaker 2: Correct. Speaker 1: And you want to do it when you're both in a pretty high vibration, feeling good. Hi, honey, honey, I really want to talk to you about some things right and keep your tone down, you know keep your eyebrow down we have a thing where, when we get very passionate about things, our eyebrows go whoop way up in the air up in the air. Speaker 2: The key to remember for me about boundaries is a boundary is a projected expectation of another person, and if they don't understand the boundary, why they're going to disappoint you, and so you have to start out when you set a boundary, like you just said. Can I talk to you about something I want to talk about? Okay, so I did this and this is how it made me feel. And then you did this and this is how it made me feel. And then you did this and this is how it made me feel Right. And because now you're making the table, the playing cards are even there, but both people have five cards in their hand. It's okay for you to say, listen, I won't do this again, but please don't do this, right? And it's how you communicate about it. And if people understand it's a give and take, right, and it's how you communicate about it. And if people understand it's a give and take, right. If people understand that in that kind of an explanation, explanatory way, then they're going to be a lot more open and receptive. Because if you just say, if you do this again, I am leaving, you have now projected that a expectation on that person that they don't understand, and now you've also given an ultimatum. That expectation is taken very negatively. Speaker 1: Yeah, it's got a negative energy behind it. Speaker 2: It totally does. Speaker 1: And it will be taken that way. Speaker 2: Clear, concise. What do you always say? Precision of words is always the key to success in all relationships, and the steps that we just told you about the relationships are very, very important, not only in your love life, but with your family. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: Because if any of those parameters clear your butt , you know. Clear your luggage, make sure you have clarity, clear the energy behind the luggage, put the energy out that you want, you know. Rewrite the script and then set positive boundaries and be open and receptive when you rewrite the script to be open and receptive, set your boundaries. It's okay to do with anybody in your life, because if you don't have boundaries with your partner, with your family, with your friends that are clear and concise, then they're all going to always disappoint you because you're not clear and concise with them. And it's okay, when they don't vibrate, when you don't vibrate with that person again, to walk away. It's okay. It is okay. Speaker 1: And you don't vibrate with that person, again they walk away. It's okay. It is okay, and it doesn't matter what their title is. Sometimes you just have to not let them in your bubble for a little while. Speaker 2: I think we've covered it pretty good. Speaker 1: If you have a very heated topic, though, some of the tricks are maybe not have a conversation face-to-face. If you're going to set boundaries, you could write a letter. Speaker 2: Yeah, you can. Speaker 1: Write it down Text, because sometimes it's easier if the person can read it by themselves, without emotions or energy. Right, have their own personal emotions and energy to deal with while they read it and not intertwining with your energy or your emotion of it, which can sometimes add fuel to an already difficult topic or heated topic . Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: And let them read it by themselves alone and let them process the information, come back to a neutral emotional state and then have a conversation about it. Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, when we were doing the couples counseling and the husband kept saying she does this, she does this, she does this. I actually sent him home with homework to write her a letter of what he don't like about the relationship. It needs to be two pages. He said two pages. I said, yeah, from the sound of it there's a lot of things you don't like, but here's what I want in your homework. The first page is what do you do that she don't like. The second page is what she does that you don't like. He didn't get through the first page. He stopped writing. Speaker 1: He came to me the next day and he's like I get it and so it was a yeah, because you, how does that person view in the situation? How is that person feeling in the situation? Our feelings get very loud, they get very big in a situation that's uncomfortable energy. Speaker 2: Energy can get big. Speaker 1: What is that relationship for that other person? Yeah, bringing it back around. Speaker 2: So, hey, let's end this on a positive note, shall we? Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: You know what I think . What I think our containers have filled up and we are filling everybody else's containers. Speaker 1: I love it. Speaker 2: I love that we're doing it. Speaker 1: Positive vibration. Speaker 2: And you know the cool part about it is, every time you listen to this podcast, your containers get bigger, because on the next part of this we're going to talk about truly talk about abundance. Speaker 1: Abundance. Speaker 2: And aka we call it the money, the money. Speaker 1: Give me the money. Speaker 2: We'll talk about it on the next podcast. Speaker 1: Thanks, you guys, for listening. Speaker 2: So today our topic was how big is yours, and we covered today relationships. You're gonna keep tuning in. Don't forget to like and follow share, comment share. Hit the little bell notification so you get notified when we upload another one. We appreciate you and we love you always peace, bye.