Hidden Triggers: Navigating Relationship Contrast

Speaker 1: Good morning, dr Jean . Good morning, we are in the studio again. Thank you all for listening and tuning in to the spiritual grind. Speaker 2: Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop boop. Speaker 1: What's that Tuning in ? Oh, I thought that was like a bulletin. Speaker 2: Oh, breaking news? Yeah, you're right, it probably is. Speaker 1: Oh, breaking news. The Filter Grind is back on the podcast, the relationship series. Do you want to do the relationship series today? Speaker 2: I'm open to whatever you want to do. Okay, because today, if that's what we're, supposed to be doing , then I like it. Carry on my wayward son, carry on my wayward son. Speaker 1: There'll be peace when we are done. Oh sorry. Speaker 2: Oh my god, please help me. Speaker 1: Little Johnny's here today. Speaker 2: Oh, okay. Speaker 1: Please help me. Speaker 2: Help, help, oh, okay, please help me. Help. Speaker 1: Help. We just had little Johnny in the studio and we couldn't get him to go away. Little Johnny, yeah. Little Johnny button nose. Speaker 2: Little Johnny button nose. Speaker 1: Yep, he's fun, though he's very exciting. He likes to bring energy to everything. Speaker 2: Yeah. He likes to ask lots of questions. Speaker 1: Yeah, you look like you're waiting for him to pop back in. Speaker 2: He's a little annoying actually. Speaker 1: So today we're going to continue the relationship series, and I think what we need to talk about is preparing for contrast, because we have a tendency to not prepare for the contrast that we get. You don't like this topic. That was a little smirk over there, I see you didn't like this one. Speaker 2: No, it's fine, carry on. Speaker 1: My wayward son. Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I's fine , carry on my wayward son. Yeah, I mean, I wait with bated breath to see what you're going to say about preparing for contrast. How do you prepare? Speaker 1: for contrast. Well, that's just it. That's what we're talking about here. Is understanding that, when in a relationship, when you have two different individuals that have come to this joint agreement to join together and you're communicating well and you're working through topics and subjects as you experience them and you go through and looking at beliefs, is understanding that I think the preparedness is having a better understanding that contrast happens between the two of you, between things in life, and it's how we perceive the contrast and what we do as a, as an individual and couple, that make the contrast um, uh, in a place to where you can maneuver through it together. Speaker 2: Okay. Speaker 1: So, when you like, for example, when you bring something up for me that I need to look at, does that sometimes? Does that bring contrast into my reality? 100% it does, and so, but I have to be, on the other side of that, open and receptive to what you're saying and what pops up into my reality. In my belief system, may it be easy or may it be hard, sometimes it's still something that we have joined together in a communicated way and both agreed upon to do. And on the other side of that is when you're the presenter, you have to be open and receptive to what they are working through. Speaker 2: I mean I will agree somewhat. Speaker 1: Okay, it's kind of the continuation of the communication that we discussed previously. Speaker 2: Right, I mean communication is by itself. It's a learning journey. You're learning how to communicate, and what do I mean by that? There are places within a conversation between individuals in a relationship where if that person is still in a defensive place and the other person tries to have a conversation about something that is touchy, if you will, then that person can go very defensive on it and it can make the conversation feel, the communication feel not pleasant, uncomfortable, yeah, uncomfortable to say the least, and so and it's both directions. I think there's of course I'm not saying it's one direction by any means Right, but what I'm trying to bring to the table is both parties need to go into the conversation, coming out of their proverbial suit of this person loves me and nothing that this person is saying. If you're in that type of relationship where you do your spiritual work together and you know that it is, your negotiated purpose is to bring things to light to the other individual on occasion, knowing that they're doing it from a place of learning and evolution, not from a place of I'm trying to gouge at you, hurt you or any of that. Because when you come from that place where you're defensive about it, even if it's a topic that you're not really ready to look at, and so you go defensive or you feel that contract in your being, in your body, you can take it the wrong way. Oh yeah, I mean, that's one of my biggest challenges. Speaker 1: And then a fight ensues in your being, in your body. You can take it the wrong way, oh yeah. Speaker 2: I mean, that's one of my biggest challenges. And then a fight ensues, because then you start the blame game and the pointing fingers. The next thing you know you're both swooped up in the argument of well, you did this to me, you did that to me. And then you're hovering around and floating in the pool of you know, defensiveness and victimhood Agreed. And then you start digging around in that historical trash can of bringing up things from the past, and it can go really wonky, really quick if you both don't come to the conversation with a good, clean intention and purpose and perspective. Even if your partner is going into that defensive mode, you still get to make a choice. Do I continue the conversation and am I at a place within me where I can stay neutral and not take anything? This person is saying personal, because it's obviously a challenging topic for them. Can I stay in that place and still have this conversation? Because you can't change where they are and you can't change how they view things, what their perspective is. The only thing you have a responsibility to is yourself and the only thing you can control is yourself, and so when you feel that the conversation or the communication is going in that direction, you have to stop and not look at them and possibly make a comment that's going to further continue an argument of wow, you're being very defensive and you're speaking not very nice. You have to go within and you have to say am I at a place where I can allow this person to be where they are and how they are, without me going into that vibrational frequency of defensiveness or victimhood? And if you're not, then it's probably beneficial to kind of table the discussion for a later date. I agree, you've got to check yourself. Speaker 1: And that's one of the reasons why I brought it up, because that's one of my biggest challenges, because I think the reason why it challenges me and maybe the listeners would want to hear it is I really view myself as working on me constantly, and when something surprises me is when I become defensive, when there's something that catches me off guard or something that I didn't perceive coming to it, and then I have to. I mean, yeah, we're not perfect, I'm human too. I try desperately not to be ugly in it, so to speak, towards myself or anybody else, and that is one of my challenges for me. And so how I have to do is realize I have to keep reminding myself when there's something that I perceived as a sensitive topic, where I have to say, okay , this reality is happening for me, not to me, and what this person is saying to me is happening. They're saying it for me and not to me. And I have to define and work through the process of where is it happening that I'm missing this subject and why is it coming into my rally now? What caused it? You know, go through the normal process of finding out why it's there and without getting emotional and sometimes that's a challenge and that's a tough thing. Speaker 2: It definitely can be. Speaker 1: Especially if it's something you have pride in, you know you feel like you're doing something, what you view in a good way. It can be any topic and, to be honest, the reality of the subject is none of us are perfect and none of us know everything, and so when there's something that comes our reality , that you view you've done well and somebody has a different perception of how it could be easier done or whatever, that can become a very, very quick, high emotional situation. If you're not in tune, and that's where one of my challenges are I have a. Speaker 2: I mean, it's a beautiful opportunity. You say that that's one of the challenges. So the first question if, if, if it were happening to me and I'm the one that was having an emotionally charged experience in the conversation about it the first question I ask myself is why am I feeling the way that I'm feeling? Why did that make me feel that way? And more times than not, it's because I have an expectation of how I'm supposed to be completing my journey and I'm criticizing myself and I am not meeting those parameters or those standards, and so I'm actually judging myself. And and so then, in turn, because I'm judging myself, I'm viewing that the other person who's having the conversation with me is judging me, and you know, sometimes we don't like to look at ourselves or we haven't stopped to say I'm the worst at it. Speaker 1: I get bullheaded. Speaker 2: Why am I feeling this way? Instead, we take it in the direction of deflecting that energy off on the other person having the conversation. You're saying these things that are making me feel this way instead of being accountable for the fact that we're feeling that way, because we have put some sort of expectation or insistence or definition on the topic and what we think we should be doing and we're not meeting our own parameters or standards, and so we're actually annoyed or aggravated at ourselves, and it sometimes will get tangled up in viewing that the other person is doing it to us. That's how that mechanism works . Speaker 1: Yes, I agree, and the struggle within it can be the fact of not bringing up that historical trash can and controlling the emotions within it, because that becomes us by humans. Our subconscious mind do the quickest and easiest thing to snap reaction and to respond to situations, and we have to make sure we make ourselves aware of that because it's a it's a human , habitual thing that people do. They have a tendency to get defensive when they feel like they're being, you know, brought to the table, judged or judged, and it's a human response. And when you're in a relationship, when you get in that position, you can, as they say, let your mouth overload your ass very quickly, because bringing up historical events or bringing up non-present things, um, all that does is rehash things that's already hopefully moved on from when you didn't feel good in that and really, if you're bringing it up, it's something that you need to look at again anyway, and because you obviously haven't closed that door either, and so this could be just a domino effect of events. But being open-minded to it is the the part that becomes very important. And so when you're working through topics in a relationship that come up that you are discussing, because communication is the key and when you communicate, you're going to come across topics that you all have different opinions on, and that in different beliefs on and different historical events on, and that's okay. But when it gets brought to the table, you have to be able to stop and say, oops, wait a minute. Maybe I'm not doing this perfectly and that's a big challenge for me. That's a challenge for me I wouldn't. Speaker 2: I wouldn't get tangled up in the. You know it's all perfect because it's all happening as it should be right. Yeah, you know. So we all are perfectly perfect . We're being the puzzle piece to the whole construct. Speaker 1: Yes, I agree, working within the beliefs that we have . Speaker 2: Where it gets jammed up is not viewing it as imperfect. That's the jam up standpoint. Speaker 1: I agree. Speaker 2: You're viewing it for yourself as, oh, I thought I was doing this perfectly, and now it's being brought to my attention that I am not doing this perfectly and so shame on me, I am a bad person. Or you know then that inner dialogue monkey mind starts to ensue to ensue, or you're just. You go into that place of feeling bad or disappointed, or frustrated that you aren't doing it perfectly. And I think the key is, instead of viewing it that you're not doing it perfectly, view it from a place of okay, how I was doing it was perfect for that moment, time and space. But what this is showing me is that I'm ready for an upgrade and I'm ready to do it in a more perfect way, in a more evolved way, in a higher level way, and and see it as an opportunity rather than see it as a self-criticism of, well, I thought I was doing this perfectly and now it's being brought to my attention that I wasn't even doing it right, because you were doing it right at some point. It's just that, as creatures who constantly are evolving and growing, you're changing literally every second, every millisecond, and as you change, as you embrace the concept that you literally are a different person than you were two seconds ago. You're going to update your programming. That just is what it is. That is a natural mechanism, and so, the way you were doing things before, you'll be given information through whatever means it comes, whether it's your partner, whether it's a newspaper article, a book, a video. That newspaper article, a book, a video, that that information that comes through is the next piece of information that you need to have, the next step of evolution that you are designed to go through. Speaker 1: that's the whole point of the game that's what I have to remind myself of is, if I was perfect, I wouldn't be here? No, what you need to remind myself of is if I was perfect, I wouldn't be here. Speaker 2: No, what you need to remind yourself of is that I am perfect in every moment of every situation. For that moment in time, I was doing things perfectly perfect. And now that I've accomplished and achieved that level of the game, it's time to acquiesce additional information. Can you spell that? No, not at all. It's time to gather more information for the next level of the game, and so you are perfect in every moment, and the perfect paradox of it all is that you have the ability to gather the new information and put it into place through trials and tribulations and contrast, and the good and the bad or however people choose to word that, and that all is a perfect and divine construct. If you weren't supposed to be doing what you're doing, you wouldn't be doing it. I agree, that's how the mechanism works. If you're not supposed to be having the conversation at the moment, then you wouldn't be having the conversation. You wouldn't be inspired to bring the topic up. You wouldn't be motivated to have a conversation about it it just wouldn't, it wouldn't happen, right. And so it's us judging our own self and not seeing ourselves as changing beings every millisecond and giving ourselves the title or the clout that you are perfect. You're perfect in every moment, doing exactly what you were supposed to be doing and are supposed to be doing in the moment, and that, in and of itself, in the big construct of things, is perfect, perfectly perfect, and it's okay to be perfect, but it's okay to change as well. So judging yourself as oh my God, I'm not doing it right, I'm not perfect. Why am I trying to be perfect? I can never be perfect Comes from a kind of different place of energy. Speaker 1: No, I agree, I totally agree. I think our ego kind of feeds that a lot when we start owning the perception that we are not viewed as perfect and we take it offensively and that's kind of what gears up those emotions. Speaker 2: But your ego is a necessary part of it. Speaker 1: I agree, I totally agree. It's part of the emotional ladder that guides us through our day. Right Because in the spiritual world. Speaker 2: people keep trying to get rid of their ego and they keep thinking that their ego is a negative construct. And the ego is a perfect component to all of this. Without the ego you wouldn't have those opportunities for education and growth and development you have to have the ego to have certain perspectives and perceptions about things. Speaker 1: So that kind of ties in a little bit of how I wanted this conversation to, to how I was envisioning this podcast today, because it brings up the emotional ladder and our emotional ladder guides us through our journey, and when you come up to topics like this that ring your bell or what do you call them, zingers. Speaker 2: I use different words , it just depends. Bump up against places, ring your bell and you jump to the bottom of that ladder. Speaker 1: That should be an instant reminder to say okay, wait a minute, what am I missing here? What do I need to hear, what do I need to see? Because that emotional ladder does guide us through that process as well. You can use that emotional ladder in every process of your day. That process as well. You can use that emotional ladder in every process of your day and under making it will give you a better understanding. Did it, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it. Speaker 2: Sorry, that sounded very. Speaker 1: I'll give you a better understanding of of what's going on. And once you hit the neutrality mark on that ladder, then you're probably in a more open place and and then, as you work through it and clear it, then you'll continue to move up the ladder. Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, you know it's a good, that's a good conversation of just reminding everybody when you're learning to communicate with your partner . If you find that something that's being conversated about does slap some emotion in your lap, it's okay to pause the conversation and especially if it's a very strong emotion, don't continue the conversation in the middle of that emotion. Give yourself a little space to have that emotion and really kind of embrace the motion where it comes from and then go back to the conversation, even if you've got to look at your partner and say, hey, man, that hit a hard spot for me and I'm going to need a little bit of time for this to marinate. I need to. I need to ponder this a little bit. Can we finish this conversation at another time? Speaker 1: right and you have to be able as the partner in that who's the receiver? Speaker 2: you've got to be able to say, you've got to be able to honor that person's request, even if you're dying to finish this conversation and get it off of your to-do list you've got to be willing to honor the request of putting it on hold, because if you don't, that's where I want to say that weakened place of arguing and bringing up all the other stuff, poking the bear, so to speak. Yeah, yeah, I agree, if you don't give that person space to kind of get their emotional frequency back to a place where they can have the conversation from a place of non defensiveness. Speaker 1: Because it'll be pointless if you continue to push. Speaker 2: Right, right, as the person who's not being bumped up against. If you keep pushing the conversation and that person can't get there or is not there and you don't give them the space to stop the conversation when asked, then they're at a frequency that's not going to allow the two of you to have a beneficial conversation without going to that vibrational frequency of fighting. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Speaker 1: Because the fights are completely not beneficial and because you'll get emotionally charged and then nobody ever listens to each other anyway. Speaker 2: Right. Speaker 1: And being able to, you know, move past it and have a better understanding. That contrast happens to people and humans and spirit. We go through these roller coaster of things. Sometimes that makes us. That, you know, will put us into a place where we have to look at things, and sometimes that topic gets the seed planted and then you have to, like you said, you have to be okay with allowing the seed to grow and walk away and table the topic at that time. Speaker 2: Yeah, because I mean everybody has to do things through their own process, at their own pace. Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree. Speaker 2: Some people have to go to the bathroom and pee to contemplate. Some people have to go to the toilet. Speaker 1: Are you throwing my business out there? A long two-hour shower to contemplate some people have to. Speaker 2: Are you throwing my business out there, a long two-hour shower to contemplate are you throwing my business out there, sometimes in the middle of our? Speaker 1: honor where the other person is in their processing of information and their process yes, sometimes, when there are charged events that happen, I will get up and say I got to pee and I'll go to the bathroom just to clear energy. Yes, I do that and 90% of my belief clearing I do in the shower in the mornings. And, yes, sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to shower. Sometimes it may take me an hour and a half and that's okay because I give myself permission to do that. I never once and here's the cool part about that is you made a comment about my showers the other day and I was looking at us, like you know why does? it? Why does it bother me? That machine makes that comment about me taking a longer shower than you sometimes and oh, very good I. I looked at it and I was like you know why? You know why? Because I was never allowed to. I never had the space to be able to take an hour-long shower if I want to why like what? Speaker 2: what would happen? Speaker 1: because I it would run out of hot water. Nobody else could take a shower , or I always had to get in and get out so my brother could take a shower oh, I see and then growing up, it was always, you know when had kids, it was a fight over the bathroom, or or hurry and get out of there so I can get in, or you know it was and then when I had my own master en suite, it was it became completely different too, like, like, why do you have to be in there, or the kids would be knocking on the door all the time. So you couldn't, I couldn't, just stop and relax in the shower. Speaker 2: Oh, I see. Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think now I've made it okay. Like today, I was just in the shower like 15 minutes but I still worked on some things. But I think, after you said that, I looked at it and I released the energy of it and so it's, it's okay either way. It's okay to go, it's okay to stay, it's okay to be right yeah , I mean I certainly didn't say it, but that's one that's an example, right, well, that's an example that you, you threw me a zinger and didn't even know it right and and, because I was like I wasn't going to say anything. I just like moved on because I knew if I said anything I was going to for some reason be emotional in that freaking conversation. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: It really rang my bell and I was like well, what's wrong with me taking a damn shower for an hour if I want to? Well, mother effer. Speaker 2: Why can't I take an hour-long shower if I want to? The reality is is I don't care one way or the other, you were just messing with me for two days, she said it in joking way it was. Speaker 1: It was all a joke and it wasn't about really being judgmental, but it rang my bell yeah, I think we were. Speaker 2: We were in a group of people talking about, um, how females and males doctor themselves up for the day, yeah, and I was like, yeah, he takes a longer shower than me, he puts more hair gel in his hair, he combs his hair I don't even wear gel. I haven't put any gel in my hair in like two years I, and so the conversation was in the direction of him doing more of these what society considers female actions of getting ready for the day, and we're we're very opposite most of the time on that. Yes, I can go months without even combing my hair, literally, and be okay with it sorry, I gagged a little bit like I literally had to go to the hairstylist and say can you shampoo my hair and comb it out because it's so matted and so tangled. Speaker 1: That's for other reasons. You normally wash your hair once a week at least. Speaker 2: No, I don't, but if that's what you need to believe to get through it. Speaker 1: That's what you used to tell me. I wash my hair once a week. Speaker 2: I did used to. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: But, like when I wear my dreads for three or four months at a time, I don't wash it once a week. It's a pain in the butt. Oh yeah, I get it. Speaker 1: Yeah, but anyway like that's what the conversation was about In the middle of that conversation she's throwing me on front street in front of everybody and it really rang my bell. Speaker 2: and because we were talking about. Speaker 1: We were talking about getting pedicures. That's what started the conversation. Because I do get pedicures and I do put lotion on my feet in the morning, because for years I didn't and jenny had for years been trying to get me to do it because my feet were always rough and cracked and blah, blah , blah, blah, blah. And then when after I started doing, it was like, hmm, there's something to this yeah, I would always tell him you you would, you'll like it. I promise you'll like it because I couldn't get over the, the manhood of it. You know the masculinity behind it, how you get judged, and you were the only guy in the chair. Speaker 2: And then what I realized other guys come in all the time when, when we're in there exactly, and one guy was like a six foot nine big dude but the other part that I witnessed and this is a good example of sometimes how we for for our partners, we can see things they can't see. In that particular scenario, with your feet, you consciously couldn't, couldn't embrace it because of the feminist part of it. Right, but subconsciously, what you were also letting it do that you couldn't embrace it because of the feminist part of it, right, but subconsciously, what you were also letting it do that you couldn't see is that you didn't enjoy or perceive your feet to be decent enough to allow yourself to wear flip-flops or to go barefoot, and so when I thought I had ugly feet. Yeah, when I first met you, you constantly, constantly had shoes on tennis shoes or boots, and socks and socks and you wouldn't like free the toes man. Speaker 1: Yeah, I free the toes now. Speaker 2: I even paint my toenails sometimes Free the nip, free the toes. Speaker 1: Hey, you know I'm kind of open to freeing all the nips. Speaker 2: I finally was like you know, just try it. Speaker 1: It's it. I finally was like you know, just try it, it's, it's all okay . Yeah, it was. I mean the first couple of times. It's very awkward. You're like looking around leaning in the chair you got this massage chair going on your back, I'm raising up and down and I'm watching everybody around me and then you hear the oh, you, you, you, you want. I can't remember what scent you want. I can't even remember what scent you want. Oh right, and it was kind of one of those things like what do you mean? What scent? I don't know what you're talking about. I want the manliest one you got . Speaker 2: Yeah, so obviously. Speaker 1: Do you have barbed wire and nails as a scent? Because that's what I want, because I am a masculine man. Speaker 2: I'm a manly man. Speaker 1: I can. I just can't hide Give me the dirty feet scent. Speaker 2: I'll have nothing less. Sweaty armpits and dirty feet. Speaker 1: It was very difficult . Speaker 2: It was yeah, and I like to the point where he couldn't even understand what they were saying. And I'm like to the point where he couldn't even understand what they were saying. Speaker 1: And I'm like, are they talking about me? Speaker 2: Yes, they would speak in their Asian language and he would. Speaker 1: To the point where I almost bought that earpiece. That translates that they have out now. I almost bought one of those just because I want to know what they're saying. Speaker 2: I was like just sit back and relax and put your little video on or something. Speaker 1: They don't give a fuck. Now I'm the one telling her hey , can you book a pedicure this weekend? Speaker 2: That's right. That's why it came up is because you were saying can we go get a pedicure? And I'm like, oh, I don't want to deal with it, yeah, and then we were at the lunch table. I think is where it all came up and I was like you know what? Actually, it was him that wanted. Speaker 1: And then one of our coworkers was like, oh no, I'd never get a pedicure Right. I used to be that way too. It's okay. Yeah, it's all okay when you're in there. Even the six foot nine buff guys that body build are getting their feet done well, not only that, but they're coming in by themselves. Speaker 2: Yeah, they're not even coming in with their female partner, girlfriend, wife or whatever. Speaker 1: They'll literally come in solo and you know what I didn't know too I actually looked this up that that african-american men go to a lot because they have their skin yeah and I was like, oh, you know, wow, okay, you know a lot. And because they're like justin, our friend was telling us that that his, you know, his family and friends, he's, he's part african-american, and he would say, oh yeah, it's normal for them to go, but anyway. So I, I got over that and it rang my bell once. And so now I, here I am, we have to. What are you looking at me? Funny? Speaker 2: for I'm not. I'm just waiting for you to go on to the next topic so we're well. Speaker 1: That's just a good example of talking about preparing for contrast, because it can be on any topic oh yeah it can be on any topic and sometimes you're you don't even like you may say something that rings their bell and they may say something. You ring your bell and you don't even know it. Neither one of you know it, like that example that we just brought up. You didn't realize that ring my bell about the shower. Speaker 2: Right, and if you're not consciously aware of truly believing that your partner has your highest and best and their intentions behind it are for the highest and best of you and the relationship, if it surprises you and catches you off guard and brings about a less than pleasurable emotion, you'll immediately bounce right into that defensive blame game, fight ensue and before you know it, you'll be knee deep in an argument that is getting no one anywhere and it actually is inflicting verbal and emotional scars and damage on each other, and that's not the intention, I assure you right and you should always after you, you know if, like when you quietly ring my bell about that shower, it's always healthier for you to bring it up after you've cleared it and worked on it. Speaker 1: You know, because that way you can say you know, like I, like I just now told you , I didn't even tell you this, but it was something I was working on this morning in the shower was you know? That really rang my bell and I was like you know what, why it frustrated me and I went through this little, this little way. But it's healthier to bring it up and say and bring it up in an open forum, not in a in aggressive form, be like, dang it, you rang my bell again, you don't want to do that. Speaker 2: I don't understand what you mean in an open forum. You mean in public, in front of the county, or what. Speaker 1: Bring it up in a way, in a positive way, and bring it to where, if you say something, be prepared for it. It's a pay, be prepared. What the heck was that? Speaker 2: Dang, that's all folks, that's all. Speaker 1: Folks. Can I get five're gonna get a bit of five now. Five now, holy cow. But you have to be prepared for whatever the response is, because it can, it can elevate, and just be open to it. You'd be. That's what I mean. An open forum is be open to the conversation when you do expose what happened. And that is, I think, the key to to handling contrast in that relationship is you don't always have to talk about it when it brings it up, but you can talk about it after you clear it and realize and the emotions are gone away from it. Because when you start having an emotionally charged conversation, it never goes in the way you want it to go. Because when you start having an emotionally charged conversation, it never goes in the way you want it to go. It will always it'll veer off path quickly because we as humans have no idea what the other person is going to perceive that we're saying in an emotionally charged situation and so when you bring it up I guess in a when you bring it up you have to be prepared to top it to talk about it.