Navigating Emotional Ownership in Partnerships

Speaker 1: Good morning everybody. Welcome back to the Spiritual Grind. Good morning. We are having an awesome week, having some good fun with our new ventures, doing cool things, always Doing cool fun things. Hey, we got a listener request. Speaker 2: We do, we do Really, yeah, all right. Speaker 1: Are you ready for the request? Speaker 2: Sure. Speaker 1: They want us to talk about ownership in relationships . That's unhealthy, unhelpy, unhelpy. What is unhealthy, unhealthy? Ownership in relationships. Speaker 2: I guess that means that it's not helping. Speaker 1: Apparently yeah, well , you know, I guess that is what they call that Freudian stuff or something they call that a Jamesism. A Jamesism? Yeah well, the basic subject is about how people own things in relationships that's not theirs and they take them on and blame themselves for it, and that is what the listener request was. Speaker 2: Okay. Speaker 1: And I said well, you know why not, we'll do one, I'll do it for you. You know, it's our first actual listener request, and so I thought we'll do that. Speaker 2: Okay, so restate what the request was, so I can tune into that. Speaker 1: So the request, how it was worded to me, was I seem to own his problems as my own okay and I try to fix everything and it's in in turn. That dislodges her journey and discombobulates her and she becomes unfocused on anything to do with her. It discombobulates her and she becomes unfocused on anything to do with her. Speaker 2: Wow, that can go in so many different directions you can. Speaker 1: Yeah, I think we keep it basic, to the point on it. Speaker 2: I think we go with the flow. Speaker 1: Go with the flow. Speaker 2: I think we could take it wherever it takes us. Speaker 1: Sounds like a plan, so here's the scenario. Speaker 2: As we do all podcasts . Speaker 1: Here's the scenario we have one person in a relationship that has a undiagnosed mental disorder or let me say that again, not undiagnosed, personally diagnosed by that person having a mental disorder by the individual who is having the problems. Yes. Speaker 2: Okay. And so they've decided for themselves that they have some sort of diagnosis that they have given themselves yes, okay. Speaker 1: And uses it for an excuse and, in the process of all of this relationship, the other person in the relationship who is perceiving that they're using it as an excuse. The other person or the person with the diagnosis both have said that at one point or another. Speaker 2: Okay. Speaker 1: And so here's the result of all of it is the one person that doesn't have the self-diagnosis ends up owning it and feeling sorry and being empathetic and ends up bending over backwards for this person that just walks all over him, using that self-diagnosis as an excuse for everything that happens. Okay, and this person asked how do we stop ourselves from doing that? because it's doing what they realize that of owning owning his, that person's problems, and uh, so this is, this is what I told her. I said in this situation. I think this self-diagnosis is probably a little bit inaccurate Actually a lot inaccurate and there's probably other things going on where this person has learned to manipulate their reality based on their own thoughts and that includes everybody within it, and without a thought of the other person's feelings or emotions or guidance systems or independence within it okay okay, so clue dr jenny clue you're not clue. What do we call? What do you call it? Not clue um paging, paging, dr jenny. Dr Jenny, please report to the ER. Speaker 2: Cue Dr Jenny. Speaker 1: That's a cue. That's what I was trying to say . I said clue, didn't I? Speaker 2: You said clue, you meant cue. Speaker 1: That's it, I quit. I'm out to y'all Just kidding, I'm not leaving. Speaker 2: Okay, so First of all , let's. I want to know what this diagnosis is. What are we calling it? Speaker 1: PTSD. Speaker 2: PTSD From the military. Okay, well, the first statement that wants to come out of my mouth is, first and foremost, we have to remember that diagnosis , no matter what you call them, are ways for people to work themselves through traumatic events, whether they're self-diagnosed, whether it's basically just another form of permission slip for that individual to work themselves through a traumatic event, and it's really not anybody else's business. I agree, and so this other counterpart that is making it their business kind of needs to butt out. I agree, it's not their business. Speaker 1: Right. Speaker 2: The person that has given themselves that diagnosis has done so because that is the best way they can get from the bottom of the bucket on their emotional scale of confusion, despair, hopelessness, spare hopelessness to give it a name that will help them process the emotions around what they're viewing as a traumatic experience and as humans, if we can. Here's the way human adventure works. We don't embrace the unknown okay unfortunately the the idea situation would be to get to a place as a, as a species, where we embrace the unknown as exciting and enjoyable and fun and curious, but unfortunately, based on the collective police patterns, programs, etc. We hesitate and we don't always look forward to the unknown because we fear it. Speaker 1: Agreed. Speaker 2: And we're afraid that it's going to bring about something uncomfortable. Rather than changing the definition that the unknown will bring about something exciting, even if it brings you contrast that can be viewed as uncomfortable or not necessarily blissful or exciting. Yes blissful or exciting. Yes, Instead of looking at it as okay, yeah this is temporarily uncomfortable, but what I know on the other side of it is is that something beneficial is going to happen. Either it's going to give me the opportunity to clear out a bunch of junk in my belief, treasure trove of trunk and I'm gonna expand and this is no longer gonna bug me or I am getting clearer about what I really want, which is extremely fun and exciting, rather than the unknown being scary and frightful and fearful and waiting for the other shoe to drop so, to clarify, you're talking about the person with the diagnosis. Yeah, and so let's talk about both because the person without the diagnosis is also experiencing an unknown, because they don't know what it feels like to have experienced the traumas. Speaker 1: Yes, I agree. So let's talk about what you said about budding out. I'm sorry what you said. The other oh budding. Speaker 2: Yeah, you said they need to bud out. Speaker 1: You said they need to bud out, and I, I I agree with that. So, but let's talk about it from this sense of you have two individuals that love one another and want to help one another, and you have one individual that is projecting their self-diagnosis on the other one to manipulate the feelings and emotions of the other one. Speaker 2: Okay, so let me stop you there. Speaker 1: Okay. Speaker 2: Because who said they were projecting that? The person without the diagnosis? Speaker 1: Right, that is their viewpoint. Speaker 2: That is their opinion and they need to get clear, because that statement by itself says to me that the person without the diagnosis is taking that in a way that is not beneficial. Speaker 1: I agree, but let me finish the what I was getting. I was kind of painting a picture here a little bit and when the undiagnosed person come to a point in their reality that they were like tired of dealing with it, it became I've got a problem and you're holding it against me and this kind of stuff, and becomes very manipulatory and and then the yo-yo begins of the emotional roller coaster. And my advice to that person was you have to understand that is your choice to stay there and deal with it, and that's what I was talking about. Let's talk about what you said about, but out, because it's not your responsibility to fix anybody. The only person's responsibility in reality you can affect is your own. Speaker 2: And yeah, the the perspective that you have about it. Speaker 1: And so the question was well, how do I stop myself from doing that? Speaker 2: You just make a decision that you're not going to do it either. So listen, when you're trying to stop yourself from doing something. Once you're aware that you're doing it, then it's just either A it's a habit, or B you're afraid that if you stop doing it , the unknown is going to be more painful than the enjoyment of stopping doing it. Speaker 1: We always go towards the pain and pleasure part of that. That is going to be more painful than continuing to act or do or say in the previous way . Diagnosed person decided to end the relationship and set boundaries. The self-diagnosed person continuously interjects themselves into the reality of the undiagnosed person. Speaker 2: Okay, so from there, if I had those two people sitting in front of me, the person who is the undiagnosed person says they continually are interjecting their self into my bubble. My question to that person would be why are you letting them? Speaker 1: Right, that's what I said. That's why I went into the boundaries conversation, but the the whole part of it was is I wanted your input on um with this person, person so they can listen to. This is where do you stop the line of empathy, where do you stop? And that's my conversation was is about the boundaries and what you choose to accept, because relationships are about communication and um two people coming together, communicating their, their wants and needs and desires in life, and then you come to a common ground within those where you can do it, and that's how relationships work. And if you're going to continuously put yourself into a situation and not have boundaries, then I would ask yourself what is wrong with me? Why am I allowing these boundaries to be crossed? Where, in my belief system, am I putting myself in a situation where I'm trying to fix everybody in my reality? Speaker 2: Right, because this is here's one thing that I need to remind everyone. Whenever we're going on this journey, the journey is always about self. Speaker 1: Yes. Speaker 2: Even if you have put in place certain characters, you still put them in place for the benefit of your evolution and your growth. Speaker 1: That's right. Speaker 2: And that's what we have to remember. So the undiagnosed person. Can we call her Betty? Speaker 1: Yeah, let's call her Betty Boop. Speaker 2: Okay. So Betty Boop, the undiagnosed person, is still making a choice to create that kind of reality for herself, Because somewhere in that she's either A on a contractual journey that she wanted to acquire a certain level of growth from it and that's why she still is experiencing it or B, and or B could be a combination of both. She is choosing not to look at herself on a very deep level and get clear about what her own junk is, so that it no longer bothers her. Because here's how the beliefs, patterns and programs work. They are self-fulfilling. And if you're using some scapegoat context within the reality that you've created to not look at your own stuff, then you'll continue to recreate that every single time. Speaker 1: And over and over Yep . Speaker 2: That's right, and if you're saying things like he's projecting that on me, he's not doing anything to you, right? You're doing it to yourself, that's how powerful you are is that you've created this reality so that this person will do these things for you, for the benefit of your learning and your discovery of your own self. We are all on a self discovery journey. That's all. This is agreed, it's. It's not. He's come into your life and he is doing these things to you out of malicious intent or out of not owning his own baggage in it. He's doing these things for you because you wanted to experience something firsthand on a certain level, and you have baggage, beliefs, patterns that you're ready to look at subconsciously, that are coming up, and so we always, always, if something is bothering us, if we get offended by it, if we are having some sort of emotion other than excitement, joy, some sort of emotion other than excitement, joy and love, then that is the biggest number one indicator that we have something we could clean up in our beliefs, patterns and programs. Speaker 1: Yes. Speaker 2: Because the person that is offended in the situation, or unhappy or uncomfortable, is the one who needs to be looked at. Speaker 1: Agreed. That's where my conversation. Speaker 2: If you get to a neutral place in all of this life has no meaning until you give it a meaning, which is also called a definition. And every single given moment which then becomes an opinion, every single given moment which then becomes an opinion, which then some people take and they project that opinion off on other people, and if they don't adhere to that opinion, then we think they're telling mistruths, we think they're copping out, we think they're manipulating us , we think that they're copping out, we think they're manipulating us, we think that they're lying. If you're not going to adopt my opinion, then I'm not going to be friends with you, I'm not going to be partners with you, and that is not unconditional love, I agree, and an expectation and an insistence on how the situation needs to look in order for you to find a place within you, to be comfortable within it, which is absolutely screams to me. Hey, I have definitions and beliefs in place that are not allowing me to look at this in a different way. Speaker 1: Yeah, that's where my conversation went with. It is I would ask and this is what I told the person is you need to ask yourself why am I? What? What in my belief systems do I have that is causing me to make decisions, that to stay around, something that I do not resonate with anymore and I said the same thing to her is you understand that this reality is not doing anything to you. It's doing it for you. It's bringing stuff to you so you can look at it appropriately and figure out. Why am I in this situation? And when you look at it from a malicious way of blaming everything on everybody else, you're no better than the other person with the diagnosis, that's correct because you're deferring rather than looking at yourself and making it a self-journey. Speaker 2: You're deferring, you're using those things that you've created in your own head as excuses to make it feel better. So that you don't have to look at your own junk to make it feel better. Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree, and so the the number one thing I would say well, you know, I didn't say that the primary part of relationships is understanding that it's not two people joining one life, it's two individuals that are communicating and agreeing in a subconscious and conscious level to have communication, to have a commitment and to also have their own personal boundaries within it. And if you have a boundary that say, for example, you have a boundary about cheating and this boundary over here is weak, and so this other person has broke that boundary and you still allow that person in your bubble , you need to ask yourself why are you not holding to your boundaries? And what belief system do I have behind it that I'm going to be alone the rest of my life and I'm scared? to be alone, and I don't want anybody to leave me, so I'm going to let my boundaries go. Speaker 2: Okay. Speaker 1: That's one way to go about it. Speaker 2: But I mean, okay, so let's talk about the cheating, because that's very prevalent, I agree, escape goat that people use. Oh well, I'm going to give myself excusatory permission to get out of this relationship because he cheated on me. Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. And that's not okay, yes, and that's what I. What I told the person is if, in this situation, if you allow it to happen, then the boundaries keep getting broken and you do nothing about it, it is not their fault, it's your fault, and because all you're doing it is using it as an excuse to be mad, and you're mad that your boundary is broke, but you're not going to do anything about it. Speaker 2: Right, and so my question would be what are you really mad about, right? Are you mad at it Because, nine times out of ten, you're angry at yourself for not being able to relax and change the definition and view it differently. You're not really mad at that person. Yeah, because what you know? You know a lot of the stuff that we talk about on the podcast. Everybody already knows it. We're just reminding them. Speaker 1: Yes. Speaker 2: We're just a vehicle for basically your higher self information to come through and if something rings your bell or resonates with you, we're just being the voice of your higher self. Speaker 1: Right, and we're not placing fault. We're not saying anybody's at fault for anything. What we're saying is having ownership in each individual's journey and setting proper boundaries and doing the communication and and being in a spot to where I don't think placing fault is a bad thing. Speaker 2: If you're holding that person accountable for taking care of their own garbage , well, okay, so I am placing fault. Speaker 1: I think fault is a negative as a negative, negative energy. Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be . Speaker 1: I agree. Speaker 2: But it can be, and most people see it as a negative and they use it as almost a weapon. Speaker 1: Yeah, this is all your fault. Oh my god, why did you do this is your fault which is just another way of saying deflect. I'm not looking at my own garbage, so I'm gonna blame it on you to make it feel better inside of me yes, and within the communication boundaries of when we are doing things, that we keep continuously allowing our boundaries to be yo-yoed and , in a subconscious way, not looking at our own belief system . That is why is this created and why is it in my reality. Then you have to take ownership in what's going on as well. Then you have to take ownership in what's going on as well. You have to take ownership in your life anyway and why it's there. But, in particular reason, if it's standing out to you, is there something that your higher self, or your spirit or your God or whatever, is trying to show to you? Speaker 2: Yeah, so not my business, not my bubble. Speaker 1: That's right. Speaker 2: That would be what I would recommend everyone to take on as a new motto. It's a self-reflecting journey and whatever that other person is doing, if you're feeling some sort of emotion about it, that's your problem, not theirs. That's right and same. On the other side, if they're feeling some sort of way about what you're doing, that's their problem, not yours. That's stuff they need to look at, not you, unless you are purposely and consciously being mean and nasty, a toot and not functioning in the highest and best way. If you're truly trying to do what is the highest and best good for all parties involved, then get accountable for your own garbage and start looking at that and stop worrying about what the other person's doing. Agreed totally agree. The only time you worry about what the other person is doing is when they do it. How did it make you feel and what are you going to do about it? To get to a neutral place of I've dealt with the garbage that was behind that and it no longer makes me feel that way, and so it truly then becomes a neutral point of so what. And I've used this example before and I'm going to use it again. I think it's a very viable example. If you're sitting on a park bench enjoying the trees and nature and all of that, and somebody walks by and says wow, your shoes are ugly and there's no trauma in your life that would make that sting or cause offense to you or cause offense to you, you're going to be like okay, so what matters? I don't, I don't care what you think, I like my shoes and I'm going to wear them, and so what? But if you had some sort of traumatic event, say in childhood, for example, you had the perception that you didn't get the most popular shoes because perhaps you were raised in a lower income family and you really wanted Quit talking about me. And you really wanted a certain kind of shoe and you carried with you beliefs and fake ones that were had the name written on the side and you haven't dealt with that experience as a child and it kind of created some trauma and you have a little bit of a trauma sore, so to speak, about shoes. And you get up and you get dressed that day and you think that you look top notch and you picked the perfect shoes for your outfit and you're feeling on top of the world and you go to sit down because these are high dollar shoes that you bought and you gave yourself permission to spend a lot of money on them because as a child you didn't get that and they're what's chic and in style now and the same person walks by and says, oh my god, those are the ugliest shoes ever and they look horrible with what you have on Bitch. Speaker 1: why are you even talking to me like that? Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean depending on where you're at in your trauma scale. That could be a full-on existential crisis in your bubble of sending you spiraling. Speaker 1: Yep. Speaker 2: So it's a matter of have you dealt with your own garbage around any topic, and the way you know that you have is that if it happens, whatever that it is, be it cheating, be it a comment about your shoes, be it whatever if that person says something about that topic, you will truly have a sense of neutrality and it will not cause any kind of emotion except curiosity. Speaker 1: And that's. Speaker 2: You know, just like with the shoe example. If that were me sitting on the bench, I would go home to my husband and be like you know what? The weirdest thing happened to me. It was so crazy. This random person was jogging at the park today and he told me how ugly my shoes are. I'm curious to know what that means and what message I was trying to give myself in that, and it would be more of a funny, curiosity, exciting kind of thing rather than a you should be ugly offensive. Go home and cry because somebody said my shoes were ugly because it's plucking the strings of some traumatic event yeah, yeah, I completely understand, because the the whole part of our life and how we live. Speaker 1: When you live a spiritually guided life, there are a couple of things which we use Cliche. Let's say cliche. We use phrases all the time that all go in consecutive, concise, really concise consecutive order. And because we navigate life based on the emotional guidance systems, on a pain and pleasure template and when investigate and investigate right. And it's not in the world, doesn't? It's not doing anything to you, it's doing it for you. Balance, you know the balance is okay to go, it's okay to stay . Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: You know there's all these little things and in in relationship, you should be using all of them. Why is the universe reflecting something back to me that I'm uncomfortable with, and what is it that I need to look at it within me to fix the issue? And, for example, when they, when when this person said something about well, I just feel sorry for him. Well, that's your fault. Speaker 2: You don't feel sorry for him, you feel sorry for yourself. Speaker 1: Right, and that's what I said. I said that's your fault because the the emotions are not real behind it, because you are not identifying what your part of it is. Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, and you like to remove the things like blame and it's your fault, and so the better statement would have been that that is indication that you need to look at something, not him. Speaker 1: Right. He is showing you something, because he's doing it for you, that you need to look at in your belief system and you don't know, it could happen a week ago . It's in your belief system. It could have happened two or three lives ago. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: But you just have to stop and look at it and have ownership of it. What part of it do you own? Speaker 2: Right, do you own right, and so I think the the more beneficial way to go about this whole premise is, when someone is doing something that doesn't feel good, you will want . You want to look at yourself, because you have set up the parameters of the game. It is your reality, and every character that comes across your path, no matter what their title is, is giving you clues on how to navigate, where you're going next and what you're ready to look at and what you're ready to investigate. And getting I always say getting down and dirty and investigating that from that perspective is what will give you cleansing. Speaker 1: Right Because this is what I said too is you have to understand that everybody works on a pain and pleasure template based on the emotional guide system. Some know it, some don't, and if, if something that is bothering you when they're doing it doesn't bother them, then the problem is yours. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: Because even if it goes against a communicated boundary, you you then have the choice to understand if it bothers them right either way, it's not, you can't own it no, but let's talk about that for a second. Speaker 2: Let's go a little deeper, because I don't want to create confusion okay so if a scenario happens and it bothers them just the same as it bothers you, then I could see where the question would be okay, what do we do with that? Yeah you still have to look at yourself. Speaker 1: You're part of it and they have to look at their part of it. Speaker 2: The two of you came together and decided I'm going to be this character. You're going to be this character because we both have things that we want to accomplish within our mission here on earth as this human entity. Yes, so when a topic is a shared topic for learning and evolution, it could very well bother the other person. The other person could be bothered and you could be bothered as well. That just means that the other person has things that they're now ready to look at and evolve from, but so do you. Yes, so they could get you know . If you're in a heated discussion and both of you end up pissed off, each one of you as an individual needs to look at why do I have the emotion about what just happened and dig around in it on an individual basis, which is why we say that the journey that we're on, even if we're in a partnership, even if we're in a relationship, even if we're in a marriage whatever you want to call it you've come together because you've chosen each other as that person that is going to pluck those strings, to give you evolution and play that part, for whatever time frame that is. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: So just because they're bothered in it doesn't mean you do it any differently. Speaker 1: Yeah. Speaker 2: You don't then change your focus to ignore the fact that you got emotionally bothered by it and focus on the fact that they're bothered Right and that somehow alleviates you from having to look at your own garbage. You still stay focused on yourself and say, okay, he got bothered in it, it's his job to clean up his own garbage, can it's not? Speaker 1: my job. Speaker 2: I just was the character that pushed that button for him so that it would bring to his awareness something that he's ready to look at at this point. Speaker 1: Take out the papers and the trash. It's time to look at it and take it all out. I mean, that's really the key to it. Speaker 2: But you don't use that as a deferment technique of okay, well, since he got bothered, I don't have to look at my own garbage now. I can hyper focus on him and why he got bothered. Speaker 1: Yes. Speaker 2: That's not how the game works. Speaker 1: Nope. Speaker 2: You still have to look at yourself and say, okay, but why did I get bothered, even if it was? Speaker 1: minor, yeah, yeah. If it's major, minor, whatever it is, you have to value and have enough worthiness of yourself to realize that. I have to look at me. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: Because everybody says in relationships well, I value the relationship I value I feel like I'm not worthy of this person or whatever that is. When it comes to value and worthiness, it should be all self. And when you value yourself enough and have enough worthiness of yourself and deservability, if you feel like you deserve a good, peaceful life, you will stop and say why am I not happy about this scenario? So I don't repeat it, because if you don't have the value in yourself and ownership of the situation, then you're not going to fix your part of it and it's going to come right back into your reality because higher self is going to bring it to you. Speaker 2: that's what happens when there's a belief that it's not how yourself is bringing it to you, it's you bringing it to you well, because you're vibrating still at that frequency. Speaker 1: Yep, I know, I agree. Speaker 2: If it's something that you're not enjoying. Speaker 1: Well, that's why. Speaker 2: You're bringing history with you, right, which is a rabbit hole. We can go in that direction, because we're changing. We're a different person, yeah, every second of the day. Let's go down the rabbit hole for a second, okay here we go Let me remind everybody the way this all works is billions of times a second. You're changing reality. So you're a brand new person, and so is the other person. So the person that cheated on the non-cheater person who has a self-diagnosis, is a different person now than they were when they did that. And they did that because they were searching for and I'm not justifying their actions by any means. I still say you know you need to be accountable, but they were a different person, and so you've got to decide are you going to be a different person and go with a clean slate, or are you going to pull? Speaker 1: What was a clean slate? What was that? Speaker 2: That was my tongue being lazy. Speaker 1: You get a little lazy in the tongue area, I guess. A clean slate. I didn't know what you said. Speaker 2: A clean slate is what I was trying to say. Speaker 1: I was like what? What was that word? Is that another genius? I've got to look that way. Speaker 2: No, that was just a tripping over my tongue. You get to decide every second whether you bring the baggage in from the history and the stories that you've been yeah, no, totally agree you don't. You don't even have to bring those with you, right, like, for example, the cheating thing. What if let's play the what if? Game? What if you redefined the relationship and marriage and eliminated the word cheating and you, just you gave each other permission to follow your highest excitement and joy and they were given the unconditional love and freedom to be with any human they choose ? Yeah, oh, I went there. You can hear the oh my, what did Adultery in the marriage? What if you redefine that? Speaker 1: Yeah, Well, I mean what you could. You can make any definition, anything you want, that's right. Speaker 2: You can. That can look any way you want, Just because. Speaker 1: Just because society teaches you to do something, don't mean you have to. Speaker 2: That's right. You can change your definition and free yourself of that because, then you're taking your power back. Speaker 1: Yep, that's where it is. Speaker 2: If I say you know what, I'm not going to own the word cheater, I'm not going to give it any power. You can't cheat on me because that word doesn't exist in my vocabulary. I give you complete and total freedom to have a relationship on whatever level be it friend, intimate, sexual with another individual and not everybody can get there. Then it no longer has any power . Speaker 1: Over your life over you. Yep, it's a release of the energy. Speaker 2: Right. It completely takes your power back, because you've made the decision that the confines of this definition are no longer going to navigate my reality. Yep navigate my reality? Yeah, and nine times out of ten . What happens when you and you can speak on this because we have that in place. We have truly unconditional love for each other. There are no expectations or insistence on way our relationship must look great. We give each other the freedom to follow their excitement and joy, no matter what it looks like, whether it be buying an instrument and playing it for five minutes and then not wanting to do it, or going and finding another human being to play with whatever game that is, be it racquetball or sex. Speaker 1: Horizontal mumbo. Right or sex. Speaker 2: And so for the other person, if you know that you have the freedom to do that, it too gives them the, it takes the energy away from this taboo thing that, oh, this is so taboo . I would like to explore it. Speaker 1: And it gives it some intrigue. Well, here's a scenario in that Sure, the guys you know, I've talked to a lot of guys, I've had many, many, many, many friends over the years that have cheated, and there's two common denominators in all of them One is the challenge of not getting caught. Two, the conquering this of it and but you take one of those away and they won't act. Speaker 2: It makes no fun, right. Speaker 1: And so when somebody takes their power back and says I tell you what, I give you permission to open door, you can go do whatever you want to, whenever you want to, with anybody, and it's not going to affect me, it is now removed, one of those two things out of that thrill of the human excitement of cheating and not getting caught or hiding it, and so it makes it, it releases the energy of it. Even for them it's like, oh, I mean well, God, what's the fun in it? If there's not a chance of me getting caught, getting in trouble or you know, or it becomes to where the couple together will look at things you know they'll, they'll do things , and so it becomes not cheating , it's becomes two engaged people. Speaker 2: That's made a communicated um agreement and it becomes okay well, not not only that, but it when you can truly get to that place I can speak for me when you can truly get to that place where you eliminate that word altogether and you restructure the definition of marriage by way of how society has defined it and you eliminate those confined constructs of it , it's very freeing and very empowering. I have complete and total control back. That does not get to have any control in my bubble because I let go of it yeah I. Speaker 1: It creates balance. Let go of it. Speaker 2: Yeah, it creates balance and one of the ways that I uh, I worked very hard on it because I wanted to know what the freedom of it was like, and I I went on a pretty long, deep journey myself on this very topic of I give you the freedom. What popped up for me in going on that journey was a lot of fear, fear that you might not pick me, fear that I might not be the one that you actually end up coming home to. But then I had to get clear that if you're not picking me and you don't come home to me, then you weren't meant to be there in the first place. And getting to a place of being okay if you stay and okay if you go, and that I will be okay whether you stay or whether you go yeah, in the fact that I will be just fine either way was part of what I was ready to embrace on my journey of looking at that one topic of okay, you have the freedom that if that's your highest joy and you want to go explore that, there's a door . I just don't want you to do it behind my back. That was really the only defining factor. I agree Is, if you're going to go and do it, I want a heads up of okay. Well, I'm going to go explore this. Speaker 1: I think what you said is I want to watch. Speaker 2: I. Speaker 1: I'm just kidding, not sure. That's exactly what I said. Speaker 2: But the only thing I asked of it, the only boundary that I asked of it, was don't do it behind my back, Just come to me and tell me hey, I'm going to go on this adventure and I'm like, are you with me? Cool, I'll pack your bag, whatever that looks like no-transcript let's take it down one more level okay, I'm sorry, I keep getting spankings. Speaker 1: I can't ever okay this sentence. Go ahead, no, go ahead, you go take it to one more level. Okay, I'm sorry, I keep getting spankings. I can't ever complete a sentence. Go ahead, I'll hush. No, go ahead, you go take it to the level you already started it. Now you got to go down. They're going to say oh my God, he stopped her. I'm kidding. Well, I kind of did Take it down another level. Speaker 2: That's because I'm telepathically. I stole it from you. You did. So if you're not to the point where you can say hey, I give you the freedom man, go, explore Right. If what you still need to hold on to is the construct of okay, my boundary still is that being in a relationship means that you don't get to have sexual interaction or intimate interaction with another human being, that's an okay boundary to still hang on to, because that's where you're at. Speaker 1: Agreed. Speaker 2: But in that, if that individual is going to cross that boundary, then you have to be willing to. Speaker 1: Pump the brakes. Speaker 2: Right, be willing to pump the brakes right, walk away from it if they cross that boundary, or define for yourself what are the rules of crossing that boundary right. Speaker 1: You know, in the previous podcast we talked about worthiness and if you don't feel like you're worthy of your own self-confidence and your own self-peace, inner being, your own beliefs, clearings, because then you'll allow those boundaries to be walked all over . Yeah, now, when you can find the internal peace to release the power of it and you take your power back within any subject, then it will create a more balanced and you'll quit doing the pendulum effect which is a previous podcast, by the way, and because that's where humans have a tendency to do is they blame instead of self-preserve, and they create this pendulum yo-yo that goes back and forth, back and forth, one extreme to the next, and instead of creating a balance and releasing it and being okay with staying, being okay with going, whatever that is based on your boundaries. Speaker 2: Right, exactly. Speaker 1: And it's all about yourself for this and how you value yourself and how you communicate your beliefs, patterns and programs to the person you're with. Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll say, I'll say this it the way that the mechanism is set up? Is it the way that the mechanism is set up? Is you know how to trust? Yes, you are always confident. Those things you don't have to learn how to do. You're and you're, you're always believing. The question then says okay, what am I confident in, right, what am I trusting in? It's not that I don't know how to trust, it's not that I don't have confidence and that I've got to learn how to be confident where's your trust? aimed, because I'll hear a lot of people say gosh, how do you have so much self-confidence? You have it too. It's just that you're not confident in self because you haven't done enough self-discovery. You're confident in lack or you're confident in them, them esteem, or you're or you're confident in lack or you're confident in them. Them esteem or you're, or you're trusting in the lies you're trusting in. It's not a matter of I can't learn to trust. You know how to trust You're. Just what are you trusting in? Speaker 1: Yes, and when you're abundant, what are you trusting in? Yes, and when you? Speaker 2: what are you abundant in? Speaker 1: Right when they. When you give the other person the power, then you're giving up your worthiness, You're giving up your you know when you so what does that mean when you're giving somebody, when you blame? Somebody for an incident in your life. You're giving up your power in the incident because, you're redirecting what you should be looking at within yourself to blame somebody else, to make it feel better to you. Speaker 2: That's right. Speaker 1: Instead of saying what part of it do I own and where is my boundary within it and what do I want to do about it? Because it has to be balanced. It has to create a feeling of self-worthiness and value. Speaker 2: I mean it doesn't have to, but if you want to feel better about it, it's highly recommended. Speaker 1: Yeah, it's highly recommended because if you don't value yourself, that other person is not going to value you either. Because you know we get talked about our relationship all the time of you know I've heard people say relationship goals and all the other stuff, and you know they want to. They want to have the relationship that we have. And the key part of our relationship is is we are two independent individuals that do not need the other one to survive. That's right. We we can completely function without the other one and we have had a very clearly communicated set of what we want to do in life together and but yet we still have individual journeys that we help each other on. Speaker 2: Right, and that's not a, so I want to. Speaker 1: I want to add this piece yeah, that's not a static no, it's a constant set of concepts yes it's ever-changing oh yeah, we talk about it all the time we are constantly modifying and redefining because we like listen dr j Jenny, why did you do this to me today? Because it made me uncomfortable. Speaker 2: I did it for you. And she says it's your fault. Speaker 1: I did it for you. You should look at your belief behind it, because your perception of me is not my opinion. Speaker 2: Your perception of me is not my problem. Speaker 1: Not my problem. Well, it's my opinion either. It's Opinion problem. Whatever my problem, what's my? Speaker 2: opinion either. Yeah, it's opinion problem. Whatever, it's your issue right listen if you're getting mad about something, look at yourself first and then come back and talk to me? Speaker 1: yeah, because, like you know, the, the example of the people I'm talking about is within this podcast. There were some things that happened that it should have been an intimate thing. There was a gifts brought and they were displayed out for everybody to see. Speaker 2: Instead of it giving been given personally, but did that person know that the person wanted it done privately? Speaker 1: No, no, no, no. There was no, no, there was no knowing of any of it. Speaker 2: That's right, and so that's that's one of the conversations that needs to be had. What is, what is your boundary? What is your perspective? How do you want this to look? What is the expectation of where you're at now? And and it needs to be very detailed, that's why I say time and time again this is your story. Sit down. Speaker 1: And read it. Speaker 2: Have respect enough for yourself and be curious enough about yourself to sit down and write your life story without inhibition, without the parameters of oh I can't because I don't have money, or oh, I can't because I can't do that, or I can't do this, I can't do that or I can't do this. Write the story as if you have all the money in the world, all the confidence in the world, and really get clear about if there were no boundaries and no parameters that keep you from doing anything, what would that story look like? And then, once you get clear about and you may erase 15 million times when you're writing it, and it may end up being a two page story. It may be end up being a 349 page book that you sell and become a multimillionaire. Right, but sit down and get clear about what that story would look like if there were nothing in your way, absolutely nothing. Speaker 1: And include relationships in it. Speaker 2: Include every aspect of of of the word relationship, relationship with people, friends, family, intimacy. Relationships with your money, with yourself. Include all those different chapters and really go on a self exploration journey with your money with yourself. Include all those different chapters. Speaker 1: Yes. Speaker 2: And really go on a self-explore. Speaker 1: I don't know what just happened. I feel like the world paused for a moment. I don't know what that was. It was like that screeching brakes and come to a halt and then you hear somebody was in for a cab to take off again. Speaker 2: Hey over here A self exploration journey. Speaker 1: Yes. Speaker 2: And when you do that, then you get clear about what are your boundaries at this point, at this person that you're at, because that's always changing. And so, to bring it back around to what I initially was talking about Initially, what we started talking about was you and I communicate differently A lot. Speaker 1: Yes. Speaker 2: Because those components are changing. Always, it's a moving target it is and it changes some days, minute by minute. Speaker 1: Agreed. Speaker 2: And so that has to be okay as well. Speaker 1: Because you never know in your world what's going to happen. Things pop up in your day from other people, from other things that you put there for it to bring up those beliefs that you need to look at, that which, in turn, could change your communicated agreements. Speaker 2: Right, and I think the reason I wanted to talk about that is because I think sometimes what trips humans up in relationships be it business, private pleasure, whatever is that the the other person will set boundaries, and then those boundaries will only last for an hour or a day and they change them. Speaker 1: And without but they don't communicate it. Speaker 2: That's correct. And then what happens is the other person is still trying to meet those boundaries and and it's like they're not, they have no idea. It's an, it's an expectation that they have no idea about and so the person trying to accomplish staying within those boundaries is doing this, and the person that's set the boundary has changed them without letting the other person know, and so then they both are kind of just going around confused and aimless. And so so it's. It's almost a everyday conversation of okay, who are you today? Because we change a billion times a second. Speaker 1: I'm Billy Bob from Kansas City. Speaker 2: And then the other. You know it has to be okay to let your partner change those boundaries. They're not set in stone, Right . And if they set the boundary today, that is, says they're not set in stone Right and if they set the boundary today, that it says, um, I'm going to take the trash out because that's representative of my love for you. And then they come to a place where they decide. I don't really like taking the trash out. I don't want it to be solely my responsibility, but they don't communicate that Then the other person is still expecting them to take the trash out every day and they stop doing it next thing you know your house stinks and the person's mad because the person stopped doing it, because they took it on and didn't communicate that they've changed, yes, and so then the trash sits there and stinks, or the other person has to then take it out, and then they begin to be angry and resentful because you said you were going to take the trash out and now you're not and you stopped, and now you're lazy and you're not holding up to your end of the bargain, when in reality the other person changed the boundary and didn't communicate that, and come to them and say, and it could be just something that very simple, hey, I'm a new person today and I don't think that my definition as a husband incorporates me being the sole person to take the trash out anymore, and I would like for that to be a joint venture yes okay, fair enough. Now we've had the communication, we renegotiated that boundary, and so now we do it together, agreed, and and that's how you and I navigate our world is that if the trash is bugging me, I take it out. If the trash is bugging you, you take it out it's not anybody's choice. Speaker 1: And, james, you have to get pedicures every other week because your feet are rough and I don't like them. Against me, yes, ma'am, I don't know why that came in my head, but I never have said that. Get out of my bed. Your feet are rough, just kidding. Well, you know I, you are 100% right, and you know I'm teaching this power of thought school. It's a class that's continuously weak, but we're on the week where I just gave the homework assignment to everybody in the class of listen. We can't change history. History is what gives us beliefs, and when you know, going this day forward, you can rewrite your entire reality in your life any way you want to, without any boundaries. What would that look like? And write that? Sit down and write it down if they're without limitations. Use your imagination, totally eliminate anything that could be restrictive and rewrite your entire life story going forward, and and I want that next week on my desk when we have class, and I've got four or five of them told me they've already wrote it and so nice, that's. Speaker 2: It's good. It is a beautiful way, because as you write the story, it it, things will pop up and you'll, you'll write something down and if you've got a belief in there that it's still around, say money, and you write down that you want your uh, I want to go live in italy for nine. Life to yeah. And then you say, oh, let me scratch that out because I can't really afford that. Guess what Pop. Speaker 1: There's a belief. Speaker 2: And so what it does is it reveals to you some of those definitions and beliefs that you have in the way. Speaker 1: They have no idea that. That's where, exactly where I'm going with all this, because we're going to go individually and talk through them in the class and identify the beliefs that popped up in it. Speaker 2: Yeah. Speaker 1: But the cool part about it is is I know three of them have already written about relationships and what they want their life to look like and when their relationship and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, and it's going to be fun. Speaker 2: Yeah, it's going to be real, da, da and it's going to be fun. Speaker 1: Yeah, it's going to be real fun. For sure it's going to be a fun class. Speaker 2: Anyway, how do you feel about today? Well, there was something else. Speaker 1: I was going to conversate about, but I've lost it now, so it must not have been meant it cleared out of their consciousness. Speaker 2: It didn't clear, it's just not, it'll pop up later. Yeah. Speaker 1: Yeah, not important to talk about. It's always important to talk about, but you don't want to, you don't need, you don't have it anymore, you lost it. Speaker 2: I don't have access to it which tells me it's not time to bring it up. Speaker 1: Okay. Speaker 2: Whatever it was. And it will come up at another time. Speaker 1: Are you complete? Speaker 2: I am satisfied with the conversation that took place . Okay, I'm never complete because I never get it done. Speaker 1: Well, you say it. Sometimes you say I'm complete. Speaker 2: Only to satisfy your need for me to say it. Well, I could sit here and talk for hours. Speaker 1: Yeah, I get it. We already have talked to her over an hour. Speaker 2: You are the one that keeps up with the clock, and says yeah, I have to. Okay, you have to stop talking now I have to. Speaker 1: My editor will kick my butt If we go too long, because then it takes too long to edit and she slaps her forehead and sends me texts. I'm just kidding. Speaker 2: And she's like how am I supposed to cut this down to a man? Speaker 1: Oh, my God, how am I going to put this? Anyway, anyway, so, uh, well, that's kind of the the basis of the ownership and relationships. We kind of touched very good on some shallow in a very shallow manner, on some of those things that some of women a little deeper on. And if anybody has any questions about the podcast, always just leave us a comment or you can post it on social media at the Merck Centers or you can go to our website and send us a message at wwwthemerckcentersorg. Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know that phone number. That's listed on the website. It actually calls our cell phone yeah, it can receive text messages as well. Speaker 1: Oh yeah, it does. Speaker 2: And so don't hesitate to. I know texting is a really big, prominent way of communicating for a lot of people, so it can receive text messages. Speaker 1: Yeah, and on the website is our email addresses and we don't communicate through that. Right now. We're having some issues with our email server, but you can email us at mercpods at gmailcom . Yeah, as a backup, yeah, as a backup Because we're having some issue with the email server for some reason. Anyway, like, follow and share and we will catch you on the flip. Have an awesome day, Because they got to do what Ring that bell. Have an awesome day, everybody. Speaker 2: Love ya. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. We'll see you next time.